Gleamings from ‘Positive Discipline for Preschoolers’ book: Chapter 1

I picked this book because of the title ‘positive discipline’. This book is meant for parents, care-givers and preschool teachers dealing with children aged 3-6. Hannah has just turned two but time flies really quickly for parents (that’s how I felt) and I better start reading ahead instead of going by the default mode when the time comes. Having said so, Hannah has started displaying certain behaviour as described for three-year-olds in this book. I’m already using some of the management tactics on her.

Chapter 1: Why Positive Discipline?

This is an introduction to the philosophy of Positive Discipline and its advantages. Its ideas are based on the works of Alfred Adler and his colleague Rudolf Dreikurs. Adler believed that human behaviour is stemmed from our desire for belonging, significance, connection, and worth, which is influenced by our early decisions about ourselves, others, and our world.

Positive Discipline is not the same as conventional discipline. If our methods of discipline include yelling, lecturing, spanking and issuing threats, we belong to the conventional type. (Okay, here comes the paradigm shift for those of us who are brought up by conventional discipline) Positive Discipline does not advocate punishment – the argument is that no matter how effective the punishment may seem at the moment, it does not create the long-term learning and valuable social and life skills parents truly want for their children. Rather, punishment could create rebellion and resistance in our children. It only makes a challenging situation worse, inviting both adults and children to plunge headfirst into power struggles.

The principles of Positive Discipline are targeted to help parents and care-givers alike build a relationship of love and respect with their child and would help both solve problems together in the long run. The building blocks of Positive Discipline include:

• Mutual respect
• Understanding the belief behind behaviour
• Effective communication
• Understanding a child’s world
• Discipline that teaches
• Focusing on solutions instead of punishment
• Encouragement
• Children do better when they feel better

The authors of the book also listed down 4 basic needs a young child has from his earliest moments with his family:

1. A sense of belonging and significance
2. Perceptions of capability
3. Personal power and autonomy
4. Social and life skills

If the above needs are met, the child would become a competent, resourceful and happy person.

One interesting point was made under the need for ‘social and life skills’. The books says that a child’s true self-esteem does not come from being loved, praised, or showered with goodies – it comes from having skills. Okay, that means that we should let go at appropriate junctures to allow the kid learn new skills (e.g. feeding himself, squirt shampoo out of the bottle, putting shoes on, climbing up the stairs) so that he could become competent and capable. Parents must provide the necessary supervision, of course.

There are 8 methods for implementing Positive Discipline:

1. Get children involved: a) in the creation of routines, b) through the use of limited choices, c) by providing opportunities to help
2. Teach respect by being respectful
3. Use your sense of humour
4. Get into your child’s world
5. Say what you mean, and then follow through with kindness and firmness
6. Be patient
7. Act, don’t talk – and supervise carefully
8. Accept and appreciate your child’s uniqueness

The first chapter also discussed the use of ‘Time-outs’ as a disciplinary tool. I find it useful to know that time-outs shouldn’t be used with children below 3 or 4 years old. This is because until children reach the age of reason around 3 years old, supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting tools. If using time-outs on older kids, it should not be used as a punishment, but rather as a means to allow them to calm down, catch their breath, and work with you  to solve the problem later. Time-outs are also useful for adults to calm down and think clearly as well.

When our children ‘don’t listen’ to us, it could be due to the following reasons:

• Adults yell, lecture, or nag, which does not inviting listening.
• Adults don’t ask a child what she should or should not be doing, but tell her.
• Adults set up power struggles that make winning more important than cooperating.
• The child is ‘programmed’ by her instinct toward development to explore – and the adult doesn’t want her to. The voice of a child’s instinct is usually louder than the voice of an adult.
• The child can’t comply with a request because it demands social or thinking skills that have yet to develop.
• Children don’t have the same priorities as adults.
• Adults don’t listen to children.

Finally, any effective parenting tool must be used in an atmosphere of love, unconditional acceptance and belonging so that the child can fare better.

Whew, that’s chapter 1 in short :)