Men are from Mars (but where are women from..?)

One of the most interesting exchanges that occurred just several days ago in The Straits Times was that age old argument about why (some) Singaporean men are going offshore and bringing back foreign brides.

Yep, the debate shows up every so often, and this time round it started off with a piece written by a Alvin Tan explaining why he chose a China bride. The full article’s right here, with excerpts below.

In February, when The Straits Times reported the results of a survey on singles, this ‘contradiction’ was raised. Many women still expect their dates to carry their handbags and pick up the tab. Asking to split the bill is still widely unacceptable on the local dating scene.

From my own experience and what I’ve heard, it seems many Singapore women tend to interpret feminism in their own way. A woman who shells prawns for her man is deemed archaic, but a man who carries a woman’s handbag for her is being gentlemanly, even though it might make him look silly.

Now, Mr. Tan’s story got a really hot response from a clearly aggrieved Sherry Aw who said the story was “an insult to S’pore women” in her letter a few days later.

What also puzzles me is how Mr Tan manages to equate wanting a date to be gentlemanly with wanting to be the weaker sex. If wanting a man to hold the door open for a woman, an act of ‘gentlemanliness’, can be construed as weakness, does my ability to open my own door signify how strong and masculine I am? I pray not, or I would face a serious identity crisis.

And really, does having our own career or equal abilities to men mean we have become men ourselves? The ‘equal footing’ treatment we demand is recognition of our abilities to carry out our jobs. Not to be treated like men, but acknowledgement that we are as capable as men. If we ‘should expect to be treated equally – the way men treat other men’, then perhaps from the perspective of a woman, the equal treatment Mr Tan is looking for is to be treated like a best buddy-cum-girlfriend and not boyfriend material.

Now, I need to be extra careful on my view of this since I like my bed just fine and have no wish to sleep on the floor tonight LOL. But seriously, one thing that’s fortunately never come up (so far) in my knowing Ling and our life together are big disputes over gender roles.

So, that said; I’ve never had issues accepting equal parity in a dating / courting relationship, but I think both partners need to be consistent in their expectations i.e. you can’t want to be in a certain role but want none of the responsibilities that follow suit.

Nearly a decade ago a person I was seeing is quite the type that Mr. Tan is (apparently) weary about. She was drawing similar salary to what I was. Just citing one aspect: she remarked that if we were on a date at anything less than a four star restaurant, it meant I wasn’t taking the date seriously. So dining at foodcourts during any outing was unacceptable.

I think about the dates Ling and I had before marriage. Ling was always Ok going dutch, or we just naturally offered to cover different parts of each outing. Maybe she was sympathetic to the fact that I was a pretty destitute Ph.D student who had no income during those years haha.

(Cartoon from http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/swa0321l.jpg)